4 posts tagged “life”

sorry for being a bit MIA!

life has been busy busy busy. (isn't it always?) well more so than normal. and complicated. it good ways mostly though.

I am 18.5 weeks along. and STILL sick!! arg. but definitely better. I'm still on meds to keep it under control but I hope to be off of them soon. I will continue to take herbs probably through out.

we're doing good in PA. money is about non-existent. but i realize a lot of my friends are in that boat too. so while it's a crappy boat to be in, it's not all together lonely hehe. I hate money. or it hates me maybe. it's bittersweet like that.

Sean likes his job which is always a good thing! he can work from home some of the time which we all love. it's so nice to see him sitting at the desk as we go on about our day. it feels familiar and right. it's just how we all function best it seems. we're work from home kinda people. no money in the world could take the place of that one!

we haven't found a home church yet. still looking. lots of nice people here, but i haven't made any true friends yet. lots of nice acquaintances though. people from a local church helped us out SO much by bringing us meals while I was really ill. what a wonderful help that was!! I am forever thankful =) there isn't always the perfect way to say "thank you" but I will never forget their kindness. I don't know what we would have done otherwise.

it is snowing today. flurries right now, but I wonder what else is to come. it's only November 20th!! our first snow (though it didn't stick) was November 18th. that's the earliest snow I've ever seen I think!

I wont be doing any doula work for quite some time. none while pregnant or with a newborn. and we will just see where it goes after that. family life is my first priority and i like it that way. right now I have no sitters to watch while i'm with a mom anyhow, so it wouldn't even be possible. Sean's job is flexible for sure, but he still has to actually work heh.

or rather, where have I been?

well, we only have the one computer now. and we make a concerted effort for neither of us (Sean nor myself) to be on the computer too often or for too long. we spend more time as a family and as a couple. we've always spent family time but "couple time" is strangely new. I have become keenly aware of how little time we spent together alone. or even kinda alone (like sitting next to each other while the kids play). it's sad how having a family can tear apart closeness like that.

every evening we do something together. watch a video (we don't have a tv feed anymore), read, sit around... sometimes even folding laundry or cleaning the house. wow what a change! and now we go to bed together. I was awful about that. I get so overstimulated during the day I like my alone time. I'm a people person... but i also need space everyday somewhere in there to think... I'm a thinker. but i try to find alone time elsewhere and go to bed with Sean. I had a bad habit of spending hours on the computer or tv.

who knew? but, living life in real life takes a surprising amount of time! and I find little to blog or much else. heh.

Last night I was praying to God about some things I've been going through and I stumbled on to Ecclesiastes. it spoke to my very soul... esp these verses:

 ( I'm using the KJV here as even though I usually use the Tanakh when reading the old testament,  I only have my KJV handy. I use the KJ for the new testament as I think it's the best version to do the job thus far.)

and to think time and again people have tried to get rid of Ecclesiastes! what an inspiring book! my heart was somehow lifted up by this as much as it was discouraged. these are the words of a man... not directly from God. but from a man who wanted to know and honor and obey God. he was confused. in a way many people are. in a way I am. just in different circumstances. and to think, I look back at these books sometimes and think "what do I have in common with these people?" and yet I do. I do! human feelings are all connected. and right now i totally dig what he was saying. he is confused about life. when and how to have joy in a depraved place being a depraved person. it feels pointless to try sometimes. b/c it's hard to understand and so few do. even those who achieve understanding only find they know less than they could ever imagine. no wonder people flock towards stupidity!! it's so much easier to live as an idiot! it's hard to think for ones self. it takes patience and endurance and lots of time to think and pray. and frankly it's just a lot more fun to not worry about it at all.

so I guess I need to figure out how to ask God for wisdom on any given subject and how to have peace about it too. b/c right now... I just don't.  the more i learn the more discontent i am in this world. and maybe in the long term that is good... but I have the short term to think of too!

I finally realize this - there is no safe point in life. no point where things finally come together for good. things finally "make sense" and all work out beautifully. there is no key to the perfect life. life is HARD. hard. always hard. sprinkled with joy, sorrow, pain, envy, depression, sickness, and turmoil. there is no point we reach where we look back and think "whew the hard part is over!". and that is something i never realized. I never understood. life just isn't ever going to be easy going. I will never be smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough, or peaceful enough. I will always have to have God hold my hand and take my through the scry parts of life kicking and screaming. perhaps I will attain more patience and endurance but i have a feeling I will only be tested and pushed again.

the daily christian life I read and witness doesn't show this. if gives us a false sense of security in this life. that God wants us "happy" and "well taken care of". but I honestly believe this is the last thing on his mind. I feel He cares deeply for us, but like a good parent often knows us best in a way that we will never understand. He is more concerned with our souls, than our wants. more concerned with our wellbeing than our financial security and yet, from time to time He shows immense empathy and love for us in the smallest of ways. brightens our days. sends us rainbows and promises of love and joy.

I remember once hearing someone pray:

If you could get everyone in the world to change their behavior in one way, what would you have them do differently?
Submitted by Ross.

THINK!!!  (it's a lost art I believe)