I just came across this site. so far I really like it. no lewd pictures (which is a huge annoyance to me!)  and no feminist agenda (which drives me batty!)

I can't tell you how many times i have come across sites that claims to promote "Woman centered birth"...  Where do I begin? first off bringing a newborn child into a family should never be centered around any one family member. YES it comes via the mom, but it is an experience for the whole family (which could be the dad and possibly other siblings and in some cases grandparents and friends..). There is nothing as miraculous as being the mother - birthing a chid out of your own body! what a wonder! it is a joy (and hard work) to bring a child in this world! it should be celebrated and enjoyed! a woman should feel proud to have been able to bring her child into this world having nourishing it through her body for 9 months and then bring it to her breast to nurse it and help it grow into a toddler and soon one day, an adult. bring a new being into this world is beautiful!

... but this idea of woman centered birth is just plain ridiculous. it's downright selfish. we fight so hard to have "equal rights", and now we just keep on going. we don't want equal rights - we want better! b/c we are mothers! *eyeroll*  I'm actually quite sick of this ideal! and it's just a false notion of what one wishes would be. truth is God designed it that we need others during pregnancy, labour, delivery and birth. sometimes, it's our husbands. sometimes our children, and sometimes it's just between a mother and God. but we are never the only one there.

What an insult it must be to God to create this child and put it in a womb and have a mother take all the glory!  God gives us these children to raise and grow. how hurt He must feel when we take all the glory for creating these beautiful little human beings.

not to mention how it must feel to the dad... has anyone said to these dad's how they myst feel victim to they're child's "woman centered birth"? I can't imagine how hurt i would feel how degraded and unimportant... and uninvolved i would feel to have my spouse claim the birth of our child was all about them. this sets a dangerous tone for the beginning of parenting.

I don't think any woman claims to want or promotes "woman centered birth" for the purpose of excluding other or making the dad feel unwanted. I assume they get to wrapped up in themselves, their feelings, and their needs they honestly don't think much about the dad's. I don't think it's a problem of bad intentions, but more a problem of inexperience at best and selfishness at worse. these blogs i read talking about it often say "of course there is also a place for dad, but..."  always followed by a  "but". as if to say "yes I recognize this is his child too... but it's more mine"
ugh.

the most beautiful births I have ever been to (including a very good friend of mine) where family centered births. the woman was knowledgeable, and the dad was right there experiencing the awe and wonder of the birthing process alongside the mom. It was a journey they took together; both with different but important roles. and it is BEAUTIFUL!  of course births can be different, sometimes the couple decide the father should take a bigger role than others at certain parts. some dads are "get in there and get your hands dirty" kinda guys, and some just stand by and smile - emotionally and spiritually supporting the mother. every couple is different and has different needs and desires. this sets a high functioning tone to start our parenting. these are the couples that raise their children together. that communicate and are happy.

or rather, where have I been?

well, we only have the one computer now. and we make a concerted effort for neither of us (Sean nor myself) to be on the computer too often or for too long. we spend more time as a family and as a couple. we've always spent family time but "couple time" is strangely new. I have become keenly aware of how little time we spent together alone. or even kinda alone (like sitting next to each other while the kids play). it's sad how having a family can tear apart closeness like that.

every evening we do something together. watch a video (we don't have a tv feed anymore), read, sit around... sometimes even folding laundry or cleaning the house. wow what a change! and now we go to bed together. I was awful about that. I get so overstimulated during the day I like my alone time. I'm a people person... but i also need space everyday somewhere in there to think... I'm a thinker. but i try to find alone time elsewhere and go to bed with Sean. I had a bad habit of spending hours on the computer or tv.

who knew? but, living life in real life takes a surprising amount of time! and I find little to blog or much else. heh.

Last night I was praying to God about some things I've been going through and I stumbled on to Ecclesiastes. it spoke to my very soul... esp these verses:

 ( I'm using the KJV here as even though I usually use the Tanakh when reading the old testament,  I only have my KJV handy. I use the KJ for the new testament as I think it's the best version to do the job thus far.)

and to think time and again people have tried to get rid of Ecclesiastes! what an inspiring book! my heart was somehow lifted up by this as much as it was discouraged. these are the words of a man... not directly from God. but from a man who wanted to know and honor and obey God. he was confused. in a way many people are. in a way I am. just in different circumstances. and to think, I look back at these books sometimes and think "what do I have in common with these people?" and yet I do. I do! human feelings are all connected. and right now i totally dig what he was saying. he is confused about life. when and how to have joy in a depraved place being a depraved person. it feels pointless to try sometimes. b/c it's hard to understand and so few do. even those who achieve understanding only find they know less than they could ever imagine. no wonder people flock towards stupidity!! it's so much easier to live as an idiot! it's hard to think for ones self. it takes patience and endurance and lots of time to think and pray. and frankly it's just a lot more fun to not worry about it at all.

so I guess I need to figure out how to ask God for wisdom on any given subject and how to have peace about it too. b/c right now... I just don't.  the more i learn the more discontent i am in this world. and maybe in the long term that is good... but I have the short term to think of too!

I finally realize this - there is no safe point in life. no point where things finally come together for good. things finally "make sense" and all work out beautifully. there is no key to the perfect life. life is HARD. hard. always hard. sprinkled with joy, sorrow, pain, envy, depression, sickness, and turmoil. there is no point we reach where we look back and think "whew the hard part is over!". and that is something i never realized. I never understood. life just isn't ever going to be easy going. I will never be smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough, or peaceful enough. I will always have to have God hold my hand and take my through the scry parts of life kicking and screaming. perhaps I will attain more patience and endurance but i have a feeling I will only be tested and pushed again.

the daily christian life I read and witness doesn't show this. if gives us a false sense of security in this life. that God wants us "happy" and "well taken care of". but I honestly believe this is the last thing on his mind. I feel He cares deeply for us, but like a good parent often knows us best in a way that we will never understand. He is more concerned with our souls, than our wants. more concerned with our wellbeing than our financial security and yet, from time to time He shows immense empathy and love for us in the smallest of ways. brightens our days. sends us rainbows and promises of love and joy.

I remember once hearing someone pray:

we're back! we had a great time! a few bumps along the way... my camera LCD got smashed. I am SO careful with it. no really... VERY careful with it. I bought a really nice case and all. but when Sean looked it up it's known for that lcd smashing ridiculously easy. that doesn't make me feel much better though. it's money I don't have ot fix it. it's such a nice camera too! I love it - never has blurry pics like that old one I used to have.

I am so sad. not just b/c it's my camera but b/c it was a gift from a friend. I cried. I really did. I held it in infront of the kids and then they went to bed and I cried. it hurt my feelings so much! it was really special to me as stupid as it sounds. I didn't get but like 5 pictures of the whole trip.

oh well, what can you do? eventually i'm sure we will fix it... but everytime I see it hanging on it's little hook by the computer I get all weepy. (I'm not usually a big crier... but I really wanted that camera)

a tleast I had a wonderful time with my husband... ALONE for 2.5 days. ahhh. the longest we've ever been alone in 8 long years. it was wonderful. really... it was!! I think it should mandotory that every 6 months parents are required to take a vacation alone for 3 days (only nurslings allowed along if they must heh)

---

did I mention that someone hit my car? yep. last week before we left. i had a GI appt I've waited for 6 weeks for... and on the way this old guy ran into me! nobody was hurt at all, but my car was. weird thing is he didn't even notice AT ALL until I made him get out and look at my hanging out light and dent on my car and the huge white streak on his. he pushed us up on a curb and didn't even notice it!  so I missed my GI appt (that is the thing that makes me the most upset!) and now I have to wait another 7 whole weeks for an appt!!!  I know it was a sincere accident, the old guy was so gentlemanly and nice (from North Carolina) but he was old and apparently deaf and blind too. it was a rental car so I expect to get a bunch of fight from them over it... but really it was me AND my mom so we both know what happened.

so my car isn't totalled... but it's not a great car anyhow (though right now I'm thankful for any working car) but i can't drive it until it gets fixed. the wheel is messed up. I'm back to borrowing and car from my mom which means sharing... I either drive her to work or my dad does. it's almost like driving  public transportation but with the HUG SUV gas prices hahaha. I wish our area was walkable... i'd much prefer to walk to town.

in good news, Eva's undies stayed dru ALL day today. if you're the mother of a 3.5 yr old with SPD you'd know how exciting that is!!! I'm about thrilled over the whole thing!  she's outgrown all the clooth versions of diapers and trainers so now i'm left buying those nasty disposable overnight bulky things and she gets a rash rom them so yuck! good riddance to them! I can't wait to have all kids in undies. trust me, diapering a 3 month old is way more funthan a 3 yr old! =)

we're back! we had a great time! a few bumps along the way... my camera LCD got smashed. I am SO careful with it. no really... VERY careful with it. I bought a really nice case and all. but when Sean looked it up it's known for that lcd smashing ridiculously easy. that doesn't make me feel much better though. it's money I don't have ot fix it. it's such a nice camera too! I love it - never has blurry pics like that old one I used to have.

I am so sad. not just b/c it's my camera but b/c it was a gift from a friend. I cried. I really did. I held it in infront of the kids and then they went to bed and I cried. it hurt my feelings so much! it was really special to me as stupid as it sounds. I didn't get but like 5 pictures of the whole trip.

oh well, what can you do? eventually i'm sure we will fix it... but everytime I see it hanging on it's little hook by the computer I get all weepy. (I'm not usually a big crier... but I really wanted that camera)

a tleast I had a wonderful time with my husband... ALONE for 2.5 days. ahhh. the longest we've ever been alone in 8 long years. it was wonderful. really... it was!! I think it should mandotory that every 6 months parents are required to take a vacation alone for 3 days (only nurslings allowed along if they must heh)

---

did I mention that someone hit my car? yep. last week before we left. i had a GI appt I've waited for 6 weeks for... and on the way this old guy ran into me! nobody was hurt at all, but my car was. weird thing is he didn't even notice AT ALL until I made him get out and look at my hanging out light and dent on my car and the huge white streak on his. he pushed us up on a curb and didn't even notice it!  so I missed my GI appt (that is the thing that makes me the most upset!) and now I have to wait another 7 whole weeks for an appt!!!  I know it was a sincere accident, the old guy was so gentlemanly and nice (from North Carolina) but he was old and apparently deaf and blind too. it was a rental car so I expect to get a bunch of fight from them over it... but really it was me AND my mom so we both know what happened.

so my car isn't totalled... but it's not a great car anyhow (though right now I'm thankful for any working car) but i can't drive it until it gets fixed. the wheel is messed up. I'm back to borrowing and car from my mom which means sharing... I either drive her to work or my dad does. it's almost like driving  public transportation but with the HUG SUV gas prices hahaha. I wish our area was walkable... i'd much prefer to walk to town.

in good news, Eva's undies stayed dru ALL day today. if you're the mother of a 3.5 yr old with SPD you'd know how exciting that is!!! I'm about thrilled over the whole thing!  she's outgrown all the clooth versions of diapers and trainers so now i'm left buying those nasty disposable overnight bulky things and she gets a rash rom them so yuck! good riddance to them! I can't wait to have all kids in undies. trust me, diapering a 3 month old is way more funthan a 3 yr old! =)

ok... so a few weeks ago I had the pleasure of attending a birth for a friend. namely as a friend with doula/birth knowledge more than a doula. (I was very hands off during the labour) This is 4th time mom and she knew the drill... just wanted some support for her homebirth. (ahem: no midwife was there ...shhhh!  ;)

anyhow it was a wonderful experience for everything. myself included! I'm a homebirth kinda girl. I normally work hospitals... but my heart really is in homebirthing. I take any and every chance I get to attend them. it was esp fun attending for a good friend. how neat to know everyone well before the birth! I want as many as I can get under my belt, and I'm a big believer in friends doing things for friends. I love that sorta thing. (of course I can't do everything for free... I do need to eat! but homebirths for close friends is an exception right now hehe)

so about a month later said friend emails me saying she has a "doula gift" for me. she'll bring it to the Birthing Circle meeting next week. cool! I thought. figuring it would be a picture of us all after the birth - perhaps framed. I love gifts!

so... fast fwd a bit... she hands me a bag. a framed photo shaped bag, I thought as I sized it up, and then I open it and instead of seeing of photo of her newest one... I see... A CAMERA!!!!
not just a camera... and awesome camera!!! with video and sound and everything i could possibly want in a little point in shoot!

what?!? I screamed a bit and was so overwhelmed i could hardly talk. how did she know I wanted a camera? what posessed her to by me such a perfect gift? she tells me her husband remembered me joking about how silly it is that I'm a photographer's wife but have no camera (I make that joke often - you know... the cobblers children have no shoes!) and they figured I would like that gift a lot.

well, my friend, you are right!! I am reveling in taking pictures! and videos! I LOVE it!!! still thinking about it I get teary eyed. it meant so much to me! that goes on record as one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received =)

(as soon as I figure out this new computer of ours, and as soon as Sean isn't so busy fixing it up just so, I will post pictures... lots of them!)

ack how does morning come so soon? I do think the earlier I aim to get to sleep the later I do. I went to bed before 11pm (early for me) and I ended up sleeping by 12:30 and then Ei woke me at 1:30 crying with a terrible headache and feeling terrible all over. ugh! I was so tired at that point i could not make a coherent sentence. so our conversation goes something like this:

E: "mom? :::sniff sniff::: I feel horrible all over and my head hurts"

M: "what? what? ummmm what? oh man! me tired! head hurts why? why?? what you need?"

E: I don't know! i just feel bad!!!! :::crying begins:::

M: [trying to pull it together] why? why?.... um why? I'll get you come motrin. kitchen!

and then I try to make it to the kitchen without falling over b/c my eyes wont seem to open all the way. eventually he slept on the floor beside my bed on some cushions so I could keep an eye in him. every 40- 60 mins I was awake checking on him... convinced he was dying, or ill. convinced b/c i was so tired I overlooked some terrible thing he must have. that's not restful sleep!! then right before I wake up with Sean at 6:40 as he had to leave for a shoot in DC, I dream I have to take over the shoot for him b/c he's sick... and it occurs to me I don't know where it is, or what it is of... or HOW TO USE THE CAMERA!! and I start freaking out! and then I wake up for good at 6:30.

ugggggg

can't wait til tonight. if anyone gets between me and some decent sleep - then off with their head!

I'm thinking of starting a new vox... but I already have a xanga. so I dont know. I like vox and xanga for different reason. I almost always cross post. I'm a die hard xanga fan b/c I've been there for almost 8 yrs! since the beginnings. I have a lot of friends there and well... I'm not leaving. BUT I would like post more of vox as it's more user friendly to people who don't have a xanga account. hmmm... I should also probably try to keep more personal and work related things semi- seperate on my blog. though I'm proud of who I am, and though I try to post some things only for my neighborhood, not every prospective client I send to my site wants to know what I think about head covering, the color I paint my walls and the silly thing my daughter said this morning...

hmmmm.... I dont know. it's having 3 blogs some kinda sign of blog obession? I feel as though that would commit me to a label of "blog addict". and I'm not sure I like that!